“It’s not fair; she gets to go visit a friend. Why do I have to stay home?” “Fair is not always the same. Do you only want to be able to visit a friend if your sister is also invited?”
“It’s not fair; how come he gets to stay outside?” “Fair is not always the same. Your brother’s homework is done; yours is not. So, it’s time to get back to work.
“It’s not fair; I stayed up until it got dark last month, why do I have to go to bed while the sun is out.” “Fair is not always the same; your bedtime is 7:30. If you want to go to bed when the sun goes down, do you want to go to bed at 4:30 in the winter?”
“How come he gets to pick new sneakers and I don’t?” “Fair is not always the same; your brother’s feet have grown too big; you will get new sneakers when you outgrow your old ones, too.”
I can only imagine the similar endless conversations Rebecca and Isaac might have had with Jacob and Esau as they grew. It is hard to help children, and adults, understand why life does not always seem “fair” when people are treated differently.
Rebecca understood the strengths and talents of her two boys. She recognized who was thoughtful and who was quick to anger. She knew who revered the land and worked to grow it and which child was always on the move seeking to conquer the world around him and all that stood in his way.
Torah does not tell us how she and Isaac parented or in what ways they might have helped their sons find “their true calling,” until the fateful night when she helped Jacob gain the special blessing that would continue the faith connection begun through Abraham.
Did she do what was right? Did she force a decision or assist in what she felt was the best option? Was she inspired by G-d’s long-ago prediction or guided by G-d’s hand? The interpretation is yours to determine. Certainly Esau lived a rich life that allowed his talents to shine, as did Jacob.
The reality is that we are each differently-abled. One child finds math fun; another hates to manipulate figures but loves to read. You best friend can run a 5 minute mile; you barely can walk that distance. Some people find it easy to speak in public; others are much more comfortable working behind a desk. “Fair is not always the same.” Nor would we want it to be; diversity is a “spice in life.”
One of the best gifts we can give our children is helping them find their voice, their talents, and their passions. A second, equally important, gift is to help them accept that everyone has unique talents and abilities and that we should celebrate them rather than see differences as “unfair.”
We need to help our children meet obligations and take responsibility whether it is their passion or not, yet we equally need to find ways to help them celebrate what is truly their place of success. When we can do that, we will help them identify paths to careers that fill them with joy. Their days will feel like “hard play,” instead of work.
May we all find ways to allow our passions to fill our lives with joy; may our days be filled with the satisfaction of a job well done for it is what we were meant to do.
Prior to her position with the Grinspoon Foundation, Iris served as a synagogue educator in Syracuse NY, the Central New York PJ Library Program Coordinator and as a national consultant for PJ Library.
Iris holds a bachelor’s degree in Early Childhood, Elementary, and Special Education, a master’s degree in Special Education and Reading, and Advanced Certification in School Leadership and Administration. Her experience as a secular educator and educational leader in congregational and community settings spans over 20 years. She is also a lay leader in Jewish organizations on the local and national levels. Iris served as the President of CAJE – the Coalition for the Advancement of Jewish Education, which was the largest member organization for Jewish educators in the country.
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