Last evening I was chatting with my son-in-law about children and their individual temperaments. I am the mother of two; he is the father of one (smart, engaging, and totally lovable) child and the sibling of four. We spoke about the differences among even those who were raised in the same households and the amazing ability of parents to love and appreciate each child for who s/he is. Such love is a vital underpinning of children’s ability to face the world with resilience and confidence.
As I contrast this with the parenting style of our ancestor Jacob, I can only cringe. this This week’s parsha tells us that though he was the father of thirteen children, Jacob loved Joseph “best of all.” The text implies that his favoritism of Joseph was visible as it speaks about Jacob having gifted Joseph with a coat of many colors.
This favoritism plays out with a young Joseph flaunting the preferred status to his brothers, who after a time grow tired of the tension. Without supportive parents, they take matters into their own hands, and find a way to eliminate Joseph from their daily lives. We only learn of their lies to their father; their mothers are unseen and quite possibly have had little influence on their lives or behavior choices.
The emotion of jealousy of others is as old as Adam and Eve’s children. Its frequent appearance in Torah reminds that it is a natural human emotion. Very few of us can say we have never had a twinge of jealousy as friends, colleagues or relatives share a recent success. Whether that momentary reaction eats at us or passes quickly depends, in good part, on our resiliency.
It is our job as parents and educators to help children develop the skills to cope with the many emotions of life. We can help each child recognize the efforts and hard work they bring to tasks and the many strengths and talents they share with others. The more we talk about their efforts and competencies instead of only a high grade or moment of visible success, the more we strengthen their core being. The more we speak of appreciating all we have instead of worrying about what we have yet to acquire or achieve, the more our children will understand what is truly important in life.
In the next few weeks we have much opportunity to gather with family and friends. The conversations around our Thanksgiving tables and Hanukkah latkes can truly have an impact on our children’s lives. Will time be spent touting the latest achievements of some or in the gossip that implies others are not as good as we are? Or will there be dedicated time to recognizing all that we have to be grateful for and the acts of kindness that fill our days with joy?
Dr. Robert Brooks reminds us that, as parents and educators, we can be partners in building resiliency. Together we can “raise, support, and develop stress-hardy children. Children capable of facing and overcoming adversity, able to meet life’s challenges with thoughtfulness, confidence, purpose, hope, and empathy.”
Every conversation is an opportunity to take steps towards this goal. We can express gratitude instead of jealousy; praise effort and persistent work instead of only accomplishments; and openly celebrate the uniqueness of each of our children.
May the experiences of our ancestors inform our actions today. May we raise each of our children to understand their place and the important work they can uniquely contribute to our world. May we help them (and ourselves) to be appreciative of all we have and all that others have to share with us. May we continue to grow from the many unique strengths that together can weave a world of beauty.
Prior to her position with the Grinspoon Foundation, Iris served as a synagogue educator in Syracuse NY, the Central New York PJ Library Program Coordinator and as a national consultant for PJ Library.
Iris holds a bachelor’s degree in Early Childhood, Elementary, and Special Education, a master’s degree in Special Education and Reading, and Advanced Certification in School Leadership and Administration. Her experience as a secular educator and educational leader in congregational and community settings spans over 20 years. She is also a lay leader in Jewish organizations on the local and national levels. Iris served as the President of CAJE – the Coalition for the Advancement of Jewish Education, which was the largest member organization for Jewish educators in the country.
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