No matter how equally I raised my two children, my daughter’s first words focused on people’s names; my son’s first word was “truck.” Over the years each one of them has broadened the horizons of the other, and mine, as well. My son’s conversations are still the language of “stuff” – sports, politics, music, or even Talmudic facts. Conversations with my daughter are more likely to involve people updates, spirituality, and the like.
Women are, in general, more relationship oriented. Brain research continues to inform the subject, coming down on the side of “Men [truly] Are from Mars; Women Are from Venus.” Studies show clear differences in the brain function and strength areas of men and women.
Before your mind skips to exceptions, let me say that I am clearly making generalizations. We all know men who freely speak about feelings and women who live much more in the “factual” and activity-based realm of life. Yet, think about it; do those men speak of feelings with other guys, or more likely with the women in their lives – be they girlfriends, wives, or good friends? Activity focused women often spend much of their time as trainers or hanging out with “the guys.”
The opening lines of this week’s Torah portion, Tazria indicate that even G-d and our ancestors understood the differences between men and women and created opportunities for them.
Adonai spoke to Moses, saying: speak to the Children of Israel, saying: A woman – when she produces seed and bears a male, she remains tamei (unapproachable; unclean) for seven days, like the days of her infirmity of being apart she shall remain tamei; and on the eighth day the flesh of his foreskin is to be circumcised. For thirty days and three days she is to stay in her period of blood purification; any holy thing she is not to touch; the Holy area she is not to enter; until fulfilling the days of her purification.
Now, if it is a female that she bears, she remains tamei for two weeks, like her time of being apart; and for sixty days and six days she is to stay for a period of blood purification.
Many see this text as “anti-female;” they interpret Torah as saying that bearing a female child is problematic and thus requires longer isolation. I see it very differently and see it as a true gift.
Today we read much about the importance of “bonding time” when a baby is born, even as we read of the pressure to get home and into routines as soon as possible after giving birth. Often it is accompanied by perceived need to return to work.
Life is so hectic that we rarely take the time to build deep relationships. In all the rushing, even after childbirth, it is harder and harder to feel comfortable taking time to solely focus on building a bond with the newborn baby. Yet we know that the bond between mother and child is vital to the baby’s long-term success; through this early experience the child gains a sense of safety, comfort, and love. Even early language and engagement skills begin developing through the bonding experience.
While the scientific and sociological research would not happen for millions of years, this portion indicates that our ancestors intuitively understood the need for this sacred time. Women were expected to have a period of confinement after the birth of a child. Their obligations were reduced. They were not expected to worry about preparing for ritual or taking care of daily routine.
In 21st century America it is hard to imagine being given such a gift. Yet, on the other hand, would you be able to “let go” of responsibilities enough to enjoy it and focus on what is most important, building that bond?
While not necessarily politically correct for our generations, Torah also understood that men and women had different strengths. Building upon unique and complimentary talents, they were assigned different roles in community life.
Before a new mom had to go back to the daily work of life, she had time to visit with the other women, to spend with her daughter, and to bond that new baby to the community of women who would be there to nurture and guide her through life.
When a son was born it was intuitively understood that part of this critical bonding had to take place with the men of the community. He needed to hear men around him, to be immersed in the pace of their days. The only way that would happen was for the new mother to be active in the wider community. Therefore a shorter period of private bonding was prescribed.
In the end, no matter whether baby boy or baby girl, no matter man or woman, a vibrant, successful life includes strong relationships with family and friends; relationships where you share stories, wrestle with ideas, discuss your successes and your fears. May we work to build a culture where both mother and fathers are gifted with time to welcome and nurture each new generation. May we each find ways to serve as partners with parents, being ready to support, lend a hand or an ear as we provide them space to find their path as a family within a loving, caring community.
Prior to her position with the Grinspoon Foundation, Iris served as a synagogue educator in Syracuse NY, the Central New York PJ Library Program Coordinator and as a national consultant for PJ Library.
Iris holds a bachelor’s degree in Early Childhood, Elementary, and Special Education, a master’s degree in Special Education and Reading, and Advanced Certification in School Leadership and Administration. Her experience as a secular educator and educational leader in congregational and community settings spans over 20 years. She is also a lay leader in Jewish organizations on the local and national levels. Iris served as the President of CAJE – the Coalition for the Advancement of Jewish Education, which was the largest member organization for Jewish educators in the country.
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