This Shabbat finds us in the midst of Hanukkah as well as Thanksgiving weekend. Across the country we gather with family and friends for hours around holiday tables and extended visits. We share laughter, successes, and joyful memories. Yet, there is often unvoiced tension, competition, and pain.
As I read Parshat Miketz, it brought to mind every dysfunctional family drama I have seen and the painful personal stories I have heard. Joseph and his brothers have a long embedded history of competition, taunts and one-upmanship that led to many years of separation. Now Joseph is the one in total power. His family’s survival depends upon his benevolence. Whether overjoyed, shocked, or in pain when he sees his brothers arrive in Egypt asking for food, Joseph’s old habits die hard. Realizing that his brothers have no idea he is the man behind the food stores, he opts to remain hidden and leave them to make a difficult choice.
While scholars have speculated about Joseph’s behavior for centuries, we cannot truly know why he chose this specific path of action. Whether he had trust issues, was out for retribution or was embarrassed by his family we cannot say for certain.
Most of us have experienced difficult family and community dynamics. Afraid to open the hard conversations that might bring past hurts to light, we come to the table year after year feeling the tension under the surface. We share recent successes and accomplishments in “one-upmanship” discussions. Instead of celebrating the choices and accomplishments of others, we are eager to speak about ourselves. Instead of respecting the different parenting choices of siblings or children we question their decisions, either publically or behind closed doors. By the end of the night or weekend we have retreated to our corners, often vowing to not return next year.
We can’t rewrite Joseph’s story, but we can rewrite our own. Even if we don’t want to bring up past hurts, we can go forward with a different attitude. We can, with true sincerity, praise the parenting skills of family and friends, even if their choices are different. We can listen carefully to the successes others share, asking questions and offering honest words of congratulations without immediately jumping in with critique or our own “bigger” accomplishment.
We can change the dynamic by trusting those around the table enough to share a struggle. Hopefully the sincere listening and words of comfort offered by others will outweigh any words of “advice” that might sound more like “I know how to fix you.”
Moreover, if we take the risk, it will have the power to change family connections. It may not happen overnight. Yet, if we have the strength to foster kindness, caring, compassion, and openness even if others continue gossip, power-struggles, and back chatter; the sense of being embraced by others will change our personal relationships, and someday, perhaps the world.
Prior to her position with the Grinspoon Foundation, Iris served as a synagogue educator in Syracuse NY, the Central New York PJ Library Program Coordinator and as a national consultant for PJ Library.
Iris holds a bachelor’s degree in Early Childhood, Elementary, and Special Education, a master’s degree in Special Education and Reading, and Advanced Certification in School Leadership and Administration. Her experience as a secular educator and educational leader in congregational and community settings spans over 20 years. She is also a lay leader in Jewish organizations on the local and national levels. Iris served as the President of CAJE – the Coalition for the Advancement of Jewish Education, which was the largest member organization for Jewish educators in the country.
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