Welcome back to school. I hope that everyone had a restful vacation and a meaningful Passover holiday. I appreciated the time off and my own Passover celebration. I was particularly moved this year by the ways in which my own children have become increasingly engaged in this holiday and the multiple ways that their involvement enhances my own experience of the holiday. I was also deeply gratified to hear so many of you share with me ways that your children brought home all that they learned about Passover into your homes and your holidays.
“You get what you get and you don’t get upset.” How many times have you heard this chant? It is an often used expression that signals our expectation that children should not complain when they receive the blue ball instead of the red, when they get a chocolate donut instead of a vanilla one and on and on. And for many, this expression is just an expected part of early-childhood teaching and parenting. But several years ago we had a parent in our school who helped us focus our attention on the problems with this seemingly innocuous expression. She asked, why aren’t children allowed to get upset? Isn’t it reasonable that they experience disappointment when they receive a balloon that is not their favorite color? Don’t we expect that children might wish that they could sit next to their closest friend during meeting time rather than in the spot the teacher has assigned them? We ourselves prefer one flavor over another. So why would we tell them not to be upset?
Through this conversation we realized that we needed to find language that communicates that our focus is not on telling children that they shouldn’t have their feelings but rather on how we expect children to manage these sometimes difficult feelings. One alternative formulation might be: “You get what you get and you manage your upset.” While this expression never took hold within our school, this sensibility is certainly an important one within our school. Children do feel angry, they do feel jealous, they do feel disappointed. And we want very much for children to feel safe enough to acknowledge these feelings. At the same time, feeling angry is not an excuse to hit another child, feeling disappointed or jealous does not allow for a child to yank a friend’s toy from their hands. Our goal instead is to help children recognize their feelings, find words for them, and then find productive ways to manage them.
Now as I was writing this newsletter my son began to ask about what I was writing. When I described the search for an alternative message he suggested, “you get what you get and you move on!” He clearly articulated a part of what we as parents and teachers are asking of our children – you can have your feeling but you do also need to move on, to bounce back. That is not to say that the feeling needs to go away; it is valid and may need to be explored. But sometimes it is our job as parents and teachers to encourage children’s resiliency and to express our confidence in their ability to manage their feelings, take next steps, and successfully move along with the group or the activity.
While we demand that our children show flexibility, when expressing any sentiment that begins “you get what you get…” my son asked me, “Why can’t parents just give the child what they want sometimes? Then the children might not get upset at other times.” This brings to mind that there is a flexibility that we as adults must also show. Sometimes when we say “you get what you get and you don’t get upset” we are really saying: we don’t have the patience to give our children what they want, or the time, or we don’t have an understanding of why these small differences are important. But we, too, can get rigid and stubborn. Why can’t we strive sometimes to help our child find a particular color of marker to complete their final strokes on their masterpiece? Why can’t we let them wear the sweatshirt they had in mind even if it doesn’t match quite as well? Why can’t we read the same story for the 100th time rather than reading the new book that their grandmother bought them? Part of what children are doing as they grow is finding and exercising their autonomy, developing their viewpoint, and exercising their sense of control. And when we as adults exert our own right to have it our way in the name of being “reasonable” or “efficient,” we may needlessly deprive our children of their need to grow and develop.
It is not easy to get this balance right. We don’t want to over-empower children. We want to give children permission to have their feelings, while at the same time communicating our faith and expectation that they can also manage these feelings and move on when appropriate. We also must strive to manage our own rigidity and desire to be “right” or “in charge” in order to help our children develop a sense of autonomy. Not an easy balance!
Tonight, after a long day I discovered that my daughter needed a quick visit to the doctor for an infected finger. If someone had said “you get what you get and you don’t get upset” I would not have taken well to it! I had perspective, it wasn’t a big deal, but it was not the evening I had hoped for. And when my husband said “I am so sorry that you had to shlep out tonight. That sounds very annoying. Thanks for taking care of it.” I felt better. It did not change the facts, it did not make the line at Duane Reade move quicker, but it gave me room to have my feelings and then I was better able to manage my upset!
Wishing you a peaceful Shabbat,
Ilana
Ilana received her B.A. from Harvard College and a Master's Degree in Education from Bank Street College. She was born and raised on the Upper West Side of Manhattan and now lives there with her husband and three children.
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