I am not one who is usually at a loss for words. But all week I have been struggling to find words for the indescribable feeling that I have experienced with the arrival of my twin nephews early Monday morning. To watch my “baby” brother become a father, a father of two healthy full-size boys with a wife whom I adore has been sheer bliss. While babies are born into this world every moment of the day, when one is close to a new life there is a deep sense of awe and blessing. It never gets old, it never gets predictable, and it never feels ordinary.
As I watched these two boys at not even four hours old I struggled to make sense of their journey. How could it be that they make the enormous transition from womb to world with such grace? They each let out a yelp as they arrived but within moments displayed a deep sense of peace. When we think about our own transitions, this is quite amazing to consider; everything in their environment had changed. They journeyed from a dark, fluid-filled world, being sustained through their umbilical cords, into our bright and busy world, eating and breathing on their own. And with twins I was also struck by the change they experience being separated from one another, no longer sharing such tight quarters. And yet, they came out in peace, seemingly ready to conquer whatever challenges may lay ahead – air, sound, light, milk, amazing!
Equally amazing was watching the transformation of my brother and sister-in-law from a couple to parents of two babies. While the new mother certainly feels a little sore and tired, she continues to remark in amazement at the fact that so much is functioning, considering what just came from her body! And my brother has emerged as a sturdy father, ready to take on the challenges ahead. I read on their new baby blog that my brother is grappling with some big existential questions: “do these babies mean that I will experience television, movies, pop-culture… differently? What does that mean for me? What am I to do? Can I still be the same silly, stupid, ridiculous, funny, no-holds-barred guy I have always been now that I am maturing? I hope so.” I believe that on the one hand we can continue to be ourselves but on the other, as parents we do indeed experience everything differently. Our world has radically changed forever.
I remember as a new mother that feeling that I would do anything for this new life in front of me. I hardly knew my child when she was a newborn and yet, there was nothing I wouldn’t do to protect her. I saw this look in my brother’s eyes. He was hooked! Their simple arrival had elicited such powerful feelings of love and primal protection. These babies do not need to do ANYTHING – just their sheer arrival is enough.
As I came home last night to see my children after a long day of work I tried to connect the babies they once were to the big kids they now are – one checking emails on the computer, another busily doing homework at her desk, and my youngest working on a Lego construction. The time moves so quickly, and they do indeed do so much. But I am re-focusing on that feeling of their sheer existence being enough. Whether they remember to hang up their coats, whether they are bickering, whether they report of another 98% on a quiz or not, what binds us together is something far more basic. I love them just because they exist! Their perfection lies in their creation, in their just being. And as I kissed them once they were asleep in bed I felt awe as I watched their chests move up and down, as they twisted under their sheets, and as I felt their warm skin pressed against their pillows. They are indeed perfect and have been since the day they were born.
Shabbat Shalom.
Ilana received her B.A. from Harvard College and a Master's Degree in Education from Bank Street College. She was born and raised on the Upper West Side of Manhattan and now lives there with her husband and three children.
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