51 parent-teacher conferences. That’s right, I have had 51 rounds of parent-teacher conferences for my three children over 11 years, beginning in the Fall of 2001 when I sent my oldest to Classroom 7 here at the JCC. And while you might expect that at this point I would feel nonchalant about the next round in the series, I still eagerly await these meetings as they approach. I find that after the conferences, I am always left with new things to think about. My children’s teachers both offer new perspectives and share things that resonate with what I know about my children.
The designated opportunity for me, my husband, and my child’s teacher to sit down together, and create a moment for reflection and sharing is in fact precious, particularly given the harried pace of our day-to-day lives. There are not that many people who want to take the time to talk all about my kid, have focused on him or her, and want to share their observations, reflections and questions. I love having the uninterrupted time for someone else to shine a light on my child and tell me what they see.
Over the years of attending parent-teacher conferences I have learned that along with the many sides of my children that I see and experience at home, there are a range of areas in which my children are growing and learning that are particular to their lives in school. Teachers have the chance to see my children in a totally different context than I do. The opportunities and challenges of being part of a large group of students can really shed light on the questions of how our children get along with their peers – not only with their friends but also with the student that is somewhat of a loner, the child that may mean, and the child who is causing disruption in the classroom. In school, teachers see how our children handle a situation when they feel overwhelmed or confused; how they work with teachers; how they transition from activity to activity. Even though we may see many of our children’s core characteristics at home, hearing about my children in the context of their school is always interesting and sometimes surprising.
Another one of the reasons that I find parent-teacher conferences to be helpful is that they encourage me to see my child as s/he is today. They provide a “refresh.” Our image of our children can sometimes be a bit out-dated – how could it not, given our children’s rapid rate of growth and development? We may believe that our child needs help pouring their juice or zipping their jacket only to learn from the teacher “every day your child pours his juice and cleans up after himself!” Sometimes, we hold onto old worries that may no longer be so relevant. I continue to be happy and somewhat surprised every time I get to a conference and hear that my eldest is a vocal participant in class discussions: Isn’t she still the little girl she was when she was in Classroom 6, the one who sat shyly, or as the teachers described, the one who felt “more comfortable in small group and one-to-one contexts.” So why does it take so long to shed this old view? I suppose as much as we try to catch up, some early images remain. But hearing the teachers’ perspective is helpful – it helps to solidify the current realities. And isn’t that what we all want as parents – to have our children feel that they are understood and known?
I must confess, along with all of the learning and new perspectives that a conference offers, it is also just a proud moment, a moment to “schep nachas” as my grandmother would say! Conferences are a time when we can sit in the position of the proud parents of our individual children. Our children will always have work ahead of them and areas for growth but that does not diminish our opportunity to feel pride and satisfaction. We work hard as parents to raise our children. And as they flourish we too feel a sense of possibility and growth.
As this week of conferences comes to a close, I hope that you too got to experience, some of you for the first time, the privilege of attending parent-teacher conferences. I know you have all worked hard to raise these magnificent children and I thank you for partnering with us to make these days of conferences as meaningful as they have been. And I hope that you will feel as one parent who emailed me today did when she said, “Of course we were thrilled to hear about and see the wonderful things my daughter is doing in school – but in reflecting back (as I’ve been doing all day) I am overwhelmed at how well it seems (her teachers) have gotten to know her, how excited they are about her accomplishments and how deeply they care about her development.”
As the week comes to a close and Shabbat arrives, take a moment to mark this special time in your family’s life. It is a “Shechianu moment,” a moment to feel grateful and blessed to have reached this time in your life when you get to have the privilege to be parents, to send your children to school, to partner with teachers who are committed to your child and the amazing work of early childhood, and to live in circumstances where we have the time and place to focus on these matters.
Shabbat Shalom.
Ilana received her B.A. from Harvard College and a Master's Degree in Education from Bank Street College. She was born and raised on the Upper West Side of Manhattan and now lives there with her husband and three children.
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