As holidays approach we are often flooded by memories of prior celebrations. I remember the times when we used to travel to my grandparents’ home, I remember the year of the snow storm, I remember the year we got caught in hours of traffic heading on the way to Lido beach, and I remember the year when my mother decided to have a vegetarian Thanksgiving dinner. Some years we celebrated in Philadelphia, others in Long Island or on the East Side. Thanksgiving has always been filled with warm memories for me, and really included a weekend of rituals more than just one dinner. We would begin the weekend on Wednesday watching the parade floats inflate by the Museum of Natural History. As a teenager my friends and I would run into kids from other schools, and sometimes a crush from camp. As I got older this ritual has been meaningful as I take my children each year, first early in the afternoon, and now later in the evening after a family dinner. The weekend would include a celebration of my mother’s birthday and often a movie, as we could always count on a “decent film” opening this weekend. Some years the weekend includes visits to soup kitchens or other forms of community service, and always includes expressions of gratitude. No matter how tough things seemed, we always knew we were lucky. We were lucky to have a table filled with food, and a warm house filled with family. We would also feel the loss of beloved family who were missing at the table, and some years we anticipated losses as we would see relatives saddled by bleak prognoses; but even still, we felt lucky. We knew we were lucky to have so many people to love, and to miss.
This year my family is spending the holiday in a new way – a large family celebration in Puerta Vallarta, Mexico. My Aunt Judy turned 70 this fall and she felt no better way to mark this occasion then to join her son and his family in this faraway place to mark this holiday of thanks. When we made this plan we did not know what was in store these past three months. My uncle (my aunt’s ex-husband, with whom she continued to have a close relationship) died unexpectedly after a rapid bout of pancreatic cancer, and then just three weeks ago her family home in Lido Beach was destroyed in Hurricane Sandy. When my aunt and the rest of our family planned this trip we thought it was a celebration, a way of expressing our sense of gratitude and connection to one another. After these losses, this trip continues to be a way of expressing our gratitude and connection to one another. Life is fragile. We knew this before, but how much more acutely we feel it having watched such unexpected loss in such a short time.
When we face an annual celebration often our instinct is to hold on the past, to celebrate the way that we celebrated before. And this repetition can indeed be grounding and create meaningful traditions. On the other hand, the nature of tradition is that it does indeed evolve. Watching the football game or eating Zabar’s pecan pie was not the way that the Pilgrims celebrated the holiday. Our holiday celebrations can and must evolve if we want them to continue to feel relevant based on new realities, and the evolution of any family. When we think back to our childhood memories they are probably actually very different from last year’s Thanksgiving. We evolve, and we change – sometimes through a conscious choice, other times because we have no choice. But if we can continue to hold on to the essential values – the values of gratitude and connection, I believe we are celebrating Thanksgiving at its core.
I am not sure what it will feel like to have Thanksgiving dinner in shorts and a t-shirt, with the Pacific Ocean at my feet, but I am very much looking forward to it. And mostly, I am glad to be with my family and to be together; acutely aware of how lucky we all are to have one another.
Happy Thanksgiving. Wishing you all a holiday of gratitude, bounty and togetherness.
Ilana received her B.A. from Harvard College and a Master's Degree in Education from Bank Street College. She was born and raised on the Upper West Side of Manhattan and now lives there with her husband and three children.
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