Earlier this week, a parent remarked, “this is your last kesher meeting.” I immediately felt my stomach turn and throat clench as I realized that we were moving into that season of “lasts.” Inevitably, as something comes to an end we begin to count down — the last Shabbat celebration, a last PA meeting, a last monthly newsletter, a last Special Visitors’ day and then, when it gets closer – the last Monday, Tuesday and Shabbat in school. It is particularly fitting given that this is also the season when Jews around the world “count” the days between Passover and Shavuot. I am often that person who marks those last times – it is a form of anticipatory grieving. A way to savor the present and feel its absence even before it arrives. But this time, as this “last” was marked, I felt resistance and began to think about the range of ways that our children might react to change, and to our labeling and marking this change as it comes upon us. For some the constant reminder, the organizing of expectations is helpful. For others, this creates unnecessary anxiety as we prefer to delay the feelings of loss or unrest. And for others, particularly for some of our children, all this talk about change and endings doesn’t quite make sense. It is difficult for young children to understand the idea that five weeks from now they will stop going to school – they tend to be more in the present, their sense of time is different than ours, and our discussion of events far out into the future needs to be carefully described with this context in mind.
At our nursery school we try to create a process of talking about changes and endings that is developmentally appropriate. We made a conscious decision not to do a “graduation” with caps and gowns, pomp and circumstance, as some other schools do because it does not fit into our sense of what children need or want at this stage. We certainly expect your children to experience many graduations ahead – from elementary school to college and beyond. But for young children endings can be scary and confusing, and benefit from more low-key, nuanced way of marking the occasion. We begin talking with our students well before the last day of school. For our older students we give them more time to process the ending both because they are more capable of looking ahead and, for most of our Pre-Kindergarten students, because it will be a transition to a new school. We try to help our students begin to understand when we will be ending our school year in various ways. Some classrooms do countdowns, others look at calendars, and others begin to just discuss this more generally.
We also use this time of year to do a great deal of celebrating. We celebrate all of the wonderful experiences that each class has had, we celebrate the amazing growth and progress that they students have achieved, and we celebrate the deep relationships they have developed. And we honor the hard work that the children have invested to overcome inevitable hurdles and challenges. We believe that if we can make these areas of development visible we not only give important credit but also provide narratives for future moments when children will face challenges. It is good to reminisce with your child, “Remember when it was hard for you to climb to the top of that jungle gym?” “Remember when you weren’t able to zip your jacket, say good bye at drop off or wear underwear to school?” There will be other times when a struggle will emerge and past successes can create a sense of momentum and optimism for the future. Children love to remember (and hopefully laugh) at some of those hard moments and we want to help them have a sympathetic and honoring memory of those times.
At the JCC Nursery School we will offer a time for families to come in and mark this ending. Every classroom will have end of year celebrations. These goodbyes may be bittersweet. While we delight in our children’s growth and development, there is also a sense of loss that can emerge. But hopefully these goodbye parties will be a chance to celebrate our children’s accomplishments, to thank teachers for their hard work alongside your beautiful children, and to savor some last moments as a classroom community before we all set out to summer plans, new schools and classrooms, and hopefully moments of reunion ahead.
I know that for me, the time for marking lasts and saying goodbyes is approaching. I also know that there is still a great deal to savor in the present. And like the children, there are times when it is useful to begin to digest the impending ending, and other times when doing so pulls my focus away from the beauty of the present moment. Once again, I will look to our children, and our gifted teachers, to learn about how to savor the moment and also face the impending goodbye with honesty, care and celebration. The is indeed so much to celebrate from this year, and the years ahead.
Ilana received her B.A. from Harvard College and a Master's Degree in Education from Bank Street College. She was born and raised on the Upper West Side of Manhattan and now lives there with her husband and three children.
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