Next Wednesday Jews around the world will celebrate Tu B’Shevat, a relatively minor holiday that celebrates the “birthday of the trees.” In Israel it often marks the beginning of the spring season (which this year, feels not so distant from our own NYC experience!). In modern times it has become a holiday that has served to reaffirm our connection and dependence on nature. At the same time is is a time to focus our attention on eating and our relationship to food.
For many of us, as parents, the topic of food and eating can be a fraught topic. Before I had kids, I was one of those teachers who judged the parents’ of picky eaters. I didn’t understand why parents would “indulge” their children with plain pasta when there were delicious alternatives available. It seemed obvious that the children were limited eaters due to the limitations of their parents… and then I had kids! For each of my children’s first year or two they would eat anything (that is, anything that a kosher vegetarian household could offer). Tofu, broccoli, salmon, pickles, you name it, they ate it. And I would brag to friends and family about what easy eaters I had raised. And then with each of my three children I watched their tastes narrow. They became clichés of the picky-eater – pasta, cereal, bagels, cucumber, cheese sticks, yogurt, pizza, and macaroni and cheese – that was what they would eat. And I became a cliché of a parent-of-a-picky-eater, spending too much of our dinner time negotiating, pleading, bribing and ultimately capitulating to these narrow tastes.
Over time I made a choice not to take their restricted choices as a sign of my total failure as a parent. I knew that if I was willing to take a stronger stance, and offer only one option they would probably have adapted. But I made another choice – deciding that I did not want my dinner time to be a time of battle. I did not want to make food a source of conflict and conversation. When we went to the pediatrician they got healthy check ups, and I consoled myself with the knowledge that my children were still eating more complete diets than most people over the course of history ever did – experiencing full bellies with mostly healthy foods. I also noticed that dinner time was a whole lot more pleasant once we moved the focus from how many bites of broccoli and onto the other dimensions of our lives.
Somewhere along the road, my older two children have become normal eaters. They now eat almost everything and are willing to try new foods. I don’t claim much credit for this – it largely happened when they each began to spend a part of their summers in sleep away camp. Was it the peer pressure? The counselor pressure? They lack of options? The absence of my glee were they to try a new food in my presence? It doesn’t much matter. They now eat foods and I am hopeful that this magical transformation will someday happen for my son as well.
While the array of foods that my children have eaten all of these years has not always matched my vision, I do feel that times like Tu B’Shvat, this festival of the trees, provides us with the chance to think about what kind of relationship do we want to have around food – for our children but also for our selves. I know that particularly for women, these relationships are often complicated, and usually not so positive. But while winning the battles with our children may not be easy, and not always in our control, our own relationships with food are very much in our control. Do we eat mindfully? Do we taste what we eat or do we simply shovel our meals down as we multi-task on ten other activities? Do we appreciate our full bellies or do we count calories or regret the choices made around the meal? Do we consider the connection that these foods have to their sources or do we begin to think, as I fear my children might, that food comes from a Fresh Direct delivery man?
There are no easy answers but in celebrating our earth and the fruits of the earth, we are given a prod to move this pendulum just a bit more towards balance. For I do believe that the strongest imprint we leave on our children around their relationship about food is probably our own.
Wishing you a shabbat filled with bountiful meals and the frame of mind to enjoy them!
Ilana
UPDATE: The New York Times had an interesting article entitled Mindful Eating as Food For Thought that reflects on similar issues to the ones raised in this blog post.
Ilana received her B.A. from Harvard College and a Master's Degree in Education from Bank Street College. She was born and raised on the Upper West Side of Manhattan and now lives there with her husband and three children.
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