It was so wonderful to experience a full week of school! The routines of the classrooms are falling into place and the Parent Nights that took place in each classroom were filled with such a warm sense of intention, community and learning. I loved watching parents engaged in paint, clay, blocks, water and so much else as well as hearing sharing the meaningful work that is taking place in your children’s classrooms.
Although the holidays are behind us, for me the week remained choppy. Choppy, as I joined my father and aunt in sitting shiva for my 93 year old Grandma Peggy. She was sick for several years, and so in many ways this end was a blessing. Yet there was sadness and emotion stirred by her death for both me and my family. It has always felt to me that the best way to make a deceased person’s memory a blessing is to learn from his or her life and share the lessons with those we know. So I hope that you will indulge me in my musings about what one might glean from her life well-lived.
The most obvious and powerful legacy that my Grandmother left was two amazing children – my father and my aunt Judy. They are two of the most generous, positive, competent, loving people that I have ever encountered (and yes, I am surely biased!). And while my Grandma Peggy was not a particularly reflective parent, it is difficult in light of the results not to want to seriously consider some of her parenting decisions and philosophy. “Benign Neglect” might best describe her approach. She did not over-worry, she did not micro-manage, she was not the “helicopter parent” of the 21st century. She had many hobbies and interests including the arts, the outdoors and politics, and she did not believe her children needed to be at the center of her world. And yet, she loved her children. And her children, and anyone else who knew her, knew that Peggy loved her children and that she was deeply proud of them, accepting them largely as they were.
One story particularly stands out for me: When my father was in high school he failed Chemistry. He came home a bit worried to tell his parents about this news. When he told his mother she immediately responded, “You’re fine and you’re going to be fine.” What a wonderful message to give to your child – a core belief in their essential goodness, irrespective of achievements, Chemistry grades or ERB scores. The reason this message stayed with my father, I believe, is that he knew she meant it. When my father received his PhD years later my Grandma gave him a wink, a gentle signal and said, “I told you you’d be fine!”
I sometimes wonder whether it was because of his mother’s confidence that my father did not internalize his failure in a significant way, and was able to pick himself up and find many other interests and successes in both his personal, academic and professional life. My grandma did not swoop in to fix it, to complain to the teacher, to hire a tutor or to reassure my father that he was actually a great scientist! She communicated simply that he was fine and he was going to be fine.
In our psychological age my grandmother’s response may seem too simple, and too pat a response for such a moment. But I would say that this particular parenting lesson might be helpful not only to me but to our generation of parents. We are part of a generation of parents that often feel it is our job to cushion every fall, anticipate every obstacle. And it certainly is gratifying when we can protect our children from the bumps of life. But it is also helpful to remember that at their core, our children are fine just as they are. And we, their parents, will continue to love and care for them with all of their warts, their failures and their quirks. And hopefully when they are grown we too will have the privilege to wink and nod, saying, “see, I told you that you would be okay!”
Wishing you a wonderful weekend and a Shabbat Shalom.
Ilana received her B.A. from Harvard College and a Master's Degree in Education from Bank Street College. She was born and raised on the Upper West Side of Manhattan and now lives there with her husband and three children.
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