These past few weeks there have been some interesting issues raised in the media concerning personality formation and temperament. The New York Times ran an article on Tuesday, February 14th entitled, “What’s New? Exuberance for Novelty has Benefits” which describes the ways in which novelty seeking, while often associated with Las Vegas gambling and sky diving, can also be a predictor of well-being, in the right combination with other traits. While it can lead to anti-social behavior, when an adventurous spirit and curiosity is combined with “persistence and a sense that it’s not all about you, then you get the kind of creativity that benefits society as a whole.” Were it not for this adventurous spirit some scientists have begun to wonder whether humans would have ever expanded our physical boundaries through migration and the boundaries of our understandings as we have.
A similar conversation has been taking place concerning introverts and those who are often labeled “quiet.” Susan Cain has just come out with a book entitled Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking. The book shines light on introverts, who Cain argues represent nearly one-third of our population, and to whom we owe many of the great contributions to society. Quiet shows how dramatically we undervalue introverts, and how much we lose in doing so. Cain is attempting to focus attention on the many positive contributions that are made by people who may not always loudly broadcast their ideas. Without introverts Cain argues, “the world would be devoid of the theory of gravity, the theory of relativity… The Cat in the Hat, Charlie Brown, ‘Schindler’s List,’ ‘E.T.,’ and ‘Close Encounters of the Third Kind’, Google and Harry Potter.” Clearly those who make the most noise may not in fact be the ones with the most to contribute.
While adventure-seekers and introverts may be at extreme ends of particular spectra, I am struck by the way in which these discussions shine light on how a range of qualities can be extremely positive and important to our broader community. When we actually create safe and supportive spaces, diametrically opposed characteristics can both contribute tremendous amounts. Without adventure seekers, we might not take some big risks. But this drive needs harnessing. Similarly, our more quiet children need recognition for being who they are, and we need to all get quiet enough to hear what they are saying. They may never scream their contribution from the top of a rooftop but it is in our best interest to listen to them and also to learn from them.
As parents, you may not have either of these types of children, but the work remains the same. Our role is to recognize our children for who they are, appreciate the many wonderful qualities that are unique to our children, and then help to harness those good qualities. Cain speaks about not only empowering our quiet children but also teaching them when it is helpful to act like “pretend extroverts” when necessary. It is a delicate balance to recognize and admire our children without trying to “change” them while at the same time helping to support our children so that they can successfully navigate our larger world. Whether we are discussing our children’s special needs, or just their general temperament, working to support without trying to “fix” them is not easy. It is also important to remember our children (and we parents) will continue to change. Our fearful child may not always be so timid, our boisterous outgoing child may mellow with age, and our child who may not say a word in a large group discussion in Nursery School may some day become the captain of her Model UN team! And like with so many parenting challenges – just when you think you have figured out who your child is and what they need, they change!
Shabbat Shalom,
Ilana
Ilana received her B.A. from Harvard College and a Master's Degree in Education from Bank Street College. She was born and raised on the Upper West Side of Manhattan and now lives there with her husband and three children.
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