Change Is Hard

It has been an exciting week here in our school – it is the beginning of the next cycle as our new parents arrive with contracts for our school for 2013-14. As I watched our incoming children play in the gym and then sing in our common space on Wednesday morning as part of our “welcome new families” event, it was hard to believe that these little peanuts will be big enough to start school in six months. But then I watch all of our Pre-K students as they enter our school each morning, confidently working within the classrooms and walking throughout our JCC with a swagger that communicates, “We own this place”! It is extremely gratifying to witness this cycle year after year and to see our children transform from young, sometimes timid 2’s into confident, Kindergarten-ready 4 and 5 year olds. And while it is satisfying to see all of this growth, it is also bittersweet.

I am not one who likes change. And right now: There are lots of changes in my life! Next week my family and I are moving apartments. We are moving within our building, but still, it feels significant. We are leaving the home where my children grew up, and the home where my son was born. It is the home where we have celebrated countless birthdays, Shabbat dinners, and everything else. It is the place where we once had two cribs and now have three big kid beds filled with big bodies. We know intellectually that the experiences and the memories reside within us, but still, our homes provide meaningful containers for all of our experiences.

As we have prepared for our move we have spent hours culling through our belongings. We have disposed of old stuffed animals, baby board books, and clothing that no longer fits. We have asked ourselves, do we need to keep this or are we ready to get rid of it? Many of these items have not been touched for many years, only collecting dust on the top shelves of our cabinets, but passing these items on to Housing Works, or to the recycling bin feels hard. That large purple bunny reminds my eldest of that carnival her first summer at sleep away camp. The big duplo lego set offered hours of enjoyment when they were little. The 24-piece puzzle was a frequent activity when the girls were young. And that pink sweatshirt, boy did Emma love it when it used to fit her! It is not easy to ask my children to part with each of these items – I understand how sentimental we all can be!

And then there are the things we want to bring with us. My children have asked so many questions: “how we are going to transport our furniture upstairs – will it fit through our front door?” They cannot believe that indeed it all had to fit in the elevator at some point when it first entered our apartment! Then, Emma’s guitar, “will it be safe if she just puts it into its case?” Daniel’s Special Box: “can he carry it himself?” And our fish: “can I carry it just to be sure it stays safe?” We are concrete beings. Our lives get expressed in the concrete world. And thinking about how we can transport these articles of clothing and furniture is one way we can wrap our minds around this move. Even our long-term babysitter asked last night: where is she going to put her bag when she comes to our apartment? As my son described, “she is crying insider her heart” about this transition!

I want to honor my children’s connection (and my own!) to our current home. We love our home and change is hard. And yet, when a house gets destroyed in hurricane Sandy or in an awful fire, families learn that indeed their lives go on even if their belongings do not survive. I want for my children to be resilient, to have perspective that our move is not a tragedy, and to understand that we are so much more than the walls around our apartment. And once again, I am struck by the enormously challenging (and gratifying) job we have as parents. We are asked to acknowledge and contain our children’s feelings, putting aside our own feelings enough to make room for theirs. And we also want to demonstrate healthy adaptation to necessary changes that occur in our lives. And ultimately, I know, that the best way I can teach my children about resiliency is by modeling it myself!

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Ilana Ruskay-Kidd

Ilana has been serving the Jewish educational community in New York City in multiple capacities for the past twelve years. Most recently, she served as the Director of The Saul and Carole Zabar Nursery School at the JCC in Manhattan. Prior to being named to this position in 2006, she worked at the JCC as Director of Young Families and then as Senior Director of Family Life, supervising programs serving families and children from birth to eighteen years old. Ilana began her teaching career at the Central Park East school in Harlem and went on to become a founding teacher at the Ella Baker School, an alternative public school in Manhattan. She then worked as an Early Childhood Curriculum Consultant for the Children's Aid Society where she developed curricula with directors and teachers in day care, Head Start and private nursery school programs throughout the city.

Ilana received her B.A. from Harvard College and a Master's Degree in Education from Bank Street College. She was born and raised on the Upper West Side of Manhattan and now lives there with her husband and three children.

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