Have you ever had a week where it feels like you barely skid into the finish line? This was that sort of week for me. A week packed with work, with family, with laundry, with meetings, and with too much rain! But as I begin to write this newsletter on Thursday night I begin to imagine the sweetness of the wine and the challah that will meet my lips tomorrow evening when I get to my Shabbat table.
For me, Shabbat is the absolute pot of gold at the end of each week. For no matter how nutty my week, for my family Friday night is a night when my family comes together. Shabbat is a time when we often have friends or family us at our table, and when we are able to sit and exhale. Our dinner is not rushed, we open a bottle of wine, and we eat “grown up” food rather than the bites of macaroni and cheese that I too often shovel into my mouth standing over the counter as I act as short-order cook for my children’s dinner. And on Shabbat we engage in real conversation. Often my kids don’t make it through the entire conversation, and at some point go into their rooms with the other kids, enjoying time with no computers on, no texting, and no homework. And eventually they return to the grown ups, enticed back for dessert!
When my kids were younger they may have lasted at our dinner table for only 10 minutes and then asked to be excused. But as they have gotten older, they linger longer. They have come to see that sometimes, (albeit only sometimes) the grown-up conversation is pretty interesting! They get to hear grown-ups talking like grown-ups. Sometimes we talk about our work, our families, politics, and sometimes more juicy topics as well. The children have come to enjoy quietly listening to glean interesting tidbits and sometimes to join in the conversation.
But among the highlights of my Shabbat ritual is the moment, before we eat, when we bless our children. Traditionally the father lays his hands on the his child/children’s head and says the blessing:
For boys: May you be like Ephraim and Menashe. For girls: May you be like Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel, and Leah.
May God bless you and guard you. May God show you favor and be gracious to you. May God show you kindness and grant you peace.
In our family, my husband and I both stand to bless each of our children. As I lay my hands on their heads I am able to just take a deep breath and focus on sending my children blessings. Sometimes during the week things are so harried and we become much too involved in levels of minutia, nagging, logistics, and schoolwork. But for this moment, as we bring Shabbat into our home I get to focus on directing my deepest intentions and prayers – my hopes and appreciation for my children.
We have also added some additional words to the blessing for our older children, since their bat mitzvahs. We now bless our 13 and 14 year olds and say, “May you be like Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel, Leah and Gabriella (or Emma, my middle daughter).” We decided that now that the girls are more grown, now that they have reached the age of being counted as full members of community, we wanted to communicate our hope and expectation that we care at least as much about them growing to be themselves, their best manifestations of their own selves. We certainly still imagine they will be shaped and prodded by us, and by their larger community of teachers, family and friends, to be like one model or another. But we also want for them to know that we trust and approve of who they are, as they are.
There is a beautiful story about a rabbi named Zusya who died and went to stand before the judgment seat of God. As he waited for God to appear, he grew nervous thinking about his life and how little he had done. He began to imagine that God was going to ask him, “Why weren’t you like Moses or why weren’t you like Solomon or why weren’t you like David?” But when God appeared, the rabbi was surprised. God simply asked, “Why weren’t you Zusya?” For us, as parents, we want our children not only to worry about being like our forefathers and other role models but also to focus on being their best and truest selves. As a parent (and a teacher) I believe that our work is to help our children grow into themselves, to come to know and to accept themselves, and for us, their grown ups, to come to know and learn from them as they develop – for our children are our greatest teachers.
There is no right way to share our dreams and hopes, blessings and love for our children. But I encourage you to take the arrival of Shabbat, a regular and weekly occurrence, to build in some way to do it. In English, in Hebrew, through words or through gestures, take the time to savor and appreciate the blessings at your table.
Shabbat Shalom,
Ilana received her B.A. from Harvard College and a Master's Degree in Education from Bank Street College. She was born and raised on the Upper West Side of Manhattan and now lives there with her husband and three children.
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