Next Shabbat my eldest daughter, Gabriella is becoming a bat mitzvah. Even as I write this sentence I cannot quite believe that it is my daughter I am writing about. The image that comes to mind when I think of parents who have a child becoming a bar/bat mitzvah is the image of parents who are much, much older, wiser, and more grown up! And I think of bat mitzvah girls as being mature, developed adolescents – not people like my little baby girl who just arrived into my life but a moment ago.
And yet, here I stand, on a precipice of sorts. For just as this bat mitzvah is a rite of passage for Gabriella, it is also a rite of passage for our entire family. We all change as her status changes. It is not that in one fell swoop, in one Shabbat, she will become a woman and we will become parents of an adolescent, but rather that we are marking a moment within this journey, this journey of becoming. She came into this world so small, so fragile, so full of potential and possibility. And over these years she has gradually become a more articulated, more visible version of herself. Gabriella’s work is to continue this process of becoming. And next Shabbat we will celebrate this transformation as well as all that came before us and all that we dream is yet to come.
This is indeed a moment of celebration for our family: a celebration of an amazing journey that we have each experienced separately and as a family. Gabriella’s arrival into the world turned me and my husband into parents, changed our parents into grandparents, grandparents into great-grandparents, and brothers and sisters into aunts and uncles. But so much more was changed than just a set of titles. Our lives were transformed forever. I was offered the privilege of experiencing the most amazing role I have ever inhabited – being a mother. I have had the responsibility and honor of raising this young person from a baby into a teenager who is nearly as tall as I am. I have had the blessing of watching her grow to become a voracious reader, a steady soccer player, a swift runner, a loyal friend, a devoted sister, a diligent student and a great teacher to me on so many levels.
Being a parent is an awesome and terrifying task. Beginning with the power of naming our child, we are given so much responsibility. The name we choose often becomes a magnet for a set of hopes, dreams and sometimes memories. But we also ask our child to make a name for themselves, to take this name, this DNA, and everything else that we pour into them, and make it their own. Though a name may have some associations before it is attached to our child, the name takes on so many more layers as our child then begins to inhabit his or her name. It is impossible now to imagine hearing the word Gabriella without conjuring up the overflowing set of memories, associations and most importantly the deep, deep love that I now feel for my Gabriella.
My mother used to say that her job as a parent was “not to ruin me.” In that statement, she was communicating her belief that we began with a spark, with a perfection, with a wholeness which she wanted to protect and honor. As a parent, I more fully understand this now. For when Gabriella arrived into this universe, she was indeed perfect. This is not to say that she did not have any blemishes or rashes, weaknesses or faults. But these were and continue to be an essential part of what makes her the unique and magnificent individual that she is. And today, at this time in her life and ours, our Jewish tradition offers us an opportunity to stop and reflect, celebrate and appreciate all that she has emerged to become.
She is a formidable individual – a person with deep integrity, wisdom, balance and purpose. And I feel so grateful to have been given the opportunity to celebrate her becoming a bat mitzvah and reaching this stage in her life, and for me to express my deepest gratitude for having had the chance to be her mom. In my modest opinion, Gabriella will be a wonderful addition to our Jewish community and the broader world.
Ilana received her B.A. from Harvard College and a Master's Degree in Education from Bank Street College. She was born and raised on the Upper West Side of Manhattan and now lives there with her husband and three children.
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