Archives for January 2012

In general, I’d rather have a stranger show me his penis than talk to me about God. I mean, my actual preference is that he doesn’t do either and just leaves me the fuck alone or gives me a foot massage instead, but if I had to choose between god-talk or penis- it’s penis almost every time. Unless it’s some kind of extreme situation- like if the stranger is one of those Yogis who spend their whole life tugging at their penis until it’s so long they can wind it around their forearm like an extension cord; or if it’s one of those Super-Distrubing-Sleepaway-Camp-Crying-Game-I-Think-she’s-a-Chick-til-I-See-Her-Big-Dick sort of scenarios unless that chick is Michelle Bachman or it happens during a WNBA game and ends up on SportsCenter (Worst of the Worst- five weeks running!) (BTW- even if Michelle Bachman had a penis, the Tea-Party crazies would still like her more than Romney. In Evangelical circles, Chick with Dick trumps Mormon with Healthcare Plan every single time. Especially if she pledges not to actually use her penis, like Gingrich.)  I mean, if Tim Tebow were to pull his pants down and his cup off after scoring a touchdown and holler “this is for Big Willie and the Low Riders” (or whatever he calls his organs- “Frank and the Beans”? “Jonah and the Whales”? “JC and the…” too far?) I would think of him as rakish and charming rather than a dangerous, evil religious fanatic (unless he shaved John 3:16 down there- though that would be a absolute boon for Evangelical manscaping professionals throughout Colorado.)

Don’t get me wrong- there are some types of god-talk I really enjoy. I’m a big fan of the up-all-night pseudo-philosophical college-freshman style bullshit sessions. The kind of conversations you have when you combine an eighth ounce of kind bud, a really clean bong and a semester of Intro to Comparative Religions so that you’re ready to unleash such earthshaking revelations as “Did you realize that all religions basically say the SAME THINGS???” (gasp!) (“If you think about it, man, Jesus is just Buddha with six pack abs and a guilt complex. Are you going to eat that Pop-Tart?”) and you quote such noted religious authorities as Jonathan Livingston Seagull and XTC to support your arguments (“Did you make mankind after we made you? And the DEVIL, too??? Dear God!”) What can I say? I’m a sucker for this kind of talk. I guess I’m just an overgrown college freshman at heart- even though when I try and hang out with college freshmen they flee in terror like extras in the 50’s sci-fi classic Attack of the 40 Year Old Lame-Ass