Author’s Note: Uhm, yeah. So…Hi there. Is this thing on? Yeah, uhm, well, this is awkward. I actually have nothing to say. I’ve just always wanted to be refered to as “Author”. I think you’ll agree it’s a way better title than “Arts Administrator” or “Local Oaf” or “Really, really angry guy on the back of the bus who scared all of those ‘special needs’ teens when he screamed at the driver for missing his stop” (at least, I’m assuming they were “special needs” because they were taking the bus and if they weren’t “special” they would have been driving. It’s LA, after all, every bus here is the short bus) or “World’s Youngest Cranky Old Man” (it’s supposed to be an actual world record by those anti-semitic Irish mamzers from Guinness won’t officially recognize it. Stupid kids! Get off my metaphorical lawn, whatever that means in this context!) or, god help me, “Blogger.”
Not that there’s anything wrong with being a blogger- somebody’s got to keep shoveling out content into the gaping maw of the insatiable shiksa bitch goddess that is the internet and there’s only so many cat videos humanity can make before the cats all rise up as one on two legs and adorably claw all of our eyes out. Still, “Author” has a much better ring to it than “Blogger.” “Blogger” sounds like some smarmy, unshowered nerd banging out filth on his laptop late at night in his soiled sweatpants while he eats Fruit Loops out of the box and half-watches reruns of Psych on TiVo (Oh wait, it’s the shark one! I love this one!) while “Author” – well, that sounds dignified, respectalble- like someone with a pipe and a drinking problem who uses words like “deconstruct” and “semiotics” and actually fucking gets paid for the stuff he writes. How sweet would that be?
Of course, I really have no business complaining about how internet content isn’t worth anything since my entire music library was downloaded from Napster in 99 & 2000 (I was “working” for the Jewish non-profit sector at the time- they were practically paying me in non-dairy creamer and bandwidth.) I suppose that generating free content is my karmic reward for all the times I said something like “Dude, the Bloodhound Gang is so rich, they’re totally not going to notice if I download their album” (Yeah, I downloaded the Bloodhoung Gang album. It was the late 90’s. DON’T FUCKING JUDGE ME!)